I have so many things going on in my life its hard to keep track of them.
That’s a lie.
Nothing much has been going on in my life. Except for the lies I can’t really keep track of.
And now, there has been so many versions that I don’t know which is which. So, I’ve decided to write things down.
I did get some plenty of major hurt from my previous relationship. Correction, still hurting. To cut the story short, I’ve decided to leave the relationship regardless of how we both feel about it. I don’t know if I wanted ties to be cut, I know that I still have feelings for her (although this is more of remnants at this point) but what I want is to just let things play out. I don’t want reconciliation, but I don’t want to close the possibility of reconciliation with her ever. As I’ve said, I’m letting things play out. Although I’m staying away from her as far as possible.
It is easy for other people to just forgive this. And I understand that it was a mistake. This time, it was a fatal mistake. You don’ t just recover from that easily. And it’s trust. I’m sad to say that I can’t trust her like I did again. And honestly, I can’t pretend like what happened is a small thing, a small spat or something minor. Even for the sake of our relationship.
So, let things play out. Grow apart. “Kung tayo, tayo talaga.”
Second, I am confused if I want to play around or I want to jump right in to the next serious relationship. What I do know is that I don’t want a serious relationship just yet. Actually, can you tell yourself to have that? I mean, serious relationships don’t just happen accidentally, but you can’t predict it too, right? I want to commit to someone but I don’t want to commit. Confused?
“I want to commit to someone”: me being a love-and-relationship junkie.
“I don’t want to commit”: me still recovering.
It gets complicated. I think I am falling in love with someone. Let’s leave it at that. Here is the kicker though: she isn’t. Well not anymore, I think. I am not sure if I burned too many bridges with that. All other complications notwithstanding.
Next is me being my self wanting to explore possibilities. Relationships that would have turned out into something. Chances that I did not take. Fixing broken relationships. Getting a healthy body. And all other stuff. Plus, I am enjoying the freedom. But then again, I am not enjoying the loneliness.
Spirituality is a total mess.
And then there is the migrating to another country thing. And career thing.
So, factoring all those in, I can pretty much say that I needed this tether to keep me from bouncing off the walls.
I’ve decided to give it some time. I promise to give myself some time, specifically no sooner than August, to not bother with other people coming in to my life. So help me God.
Posted May 15th, 2012 in Uncategorized