Finally, a reason to write something again. Not quite what I expected nor wanted though. Still, it needs to be done. I’m telling this for you to understand where I am coming from, and probably to understand where she is coming from.
Barely a month from my new work, I received a text message from her that we needed to talk. Since I haven’t left my station because I was finishing my shift and expecting to stay more, I was online on messenger. She arrived home an hour before. It was the 29th of February, I remember because I had planned on giving her something to make up for the Valentine’s.
It’s a bit fuzzy at this point. I asked her if she was breaking up with me, and she answered on the affirmative. That this is not easy for her. That there are many reasons why she is doing so. There was a guy she was “mingling” with. She needs to “reassess” herself.
Earlier this year, we decided to get married. The 2nd day of January, we started with the marriage license application. We jumped over the hoops of the bureaucracy. We had marriage and family planning counselling. At first, we scheduled for the 19th of January. Then the 19th of February, before finally deciding on the 19th of April. The judge needed to interview us and kept on getting moved. She said this was a sign.
I gave her the flowers anyway as my make-up efforts for the Valentine’s.
At first, I thought that this is one of her break-up shenanigans. Where we would break up for a day and get resolved before the day ends. But at the back of my head, I knew that we were almost married, that there was a guy, and that this is something else, this is real. If she was really having a fit, it would not be easy for me to pretend as if nothing happened like what we do before.
Being a boyfriend – nay a fiance – you have instated a threshold for every slight your partner makes. It wasn’t there. She said she cried. She said she’s sorry. She said it’s what I wanted too. And said sorry some more. I didn’t need to ask her if she was in love with the guy. I didn’t need to ask her if she was out of love with me. But I did, and I did, and I did not believe.
I could say that I saw this coming. I could say that for the past few weeks, she’s been distant. As much as she tried to hide it, I did notice. And I was hopeless. I tried to make up for whatever grievances I seem to commit. I could see it wasn’t addressing the bigger hole on our proverbial boat.
This is the first time for me.
Part of it was my fault, I guess. And yes, she deserved better from me. I should have done something more. And I can understand why she might fall out of love, or why she could fall in love with another guy, and I want people reading this to realize that she is not to be faulted with this. The heart has reasons that Reason cannot know. And she has given me more than enough chances, perhaps too much if it comes to that discussion…
But let me say, I could have done what she did but didn’t. Many times I could have fallen in love, could have fallen out of love and I didn’t. I chose her everytime. I chose to hold on. That this really hurts. That I was betrayed. That I also had sacrifices. That I’m not as bad as what she thinks I am. Finally, that I refuse to be a victim.
My official stand is that I think this break up is good and even therapeutic for the both of us. And I won’t close any doors too soon. But I won’t come back any time soon either.
I Love You, still. But I can’t love you right now.
Posted March 5th, 2012 in Uncategorized