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Quick!

It is an hour after the day changed, but I am writing to make the effort.

Before this, I had to login to my WordPress site. It turned out longer than anticipated, given the few distractions and musings of my own. As my WordPress site is, let’s say, a personalized one, it was having problems (of neglect, notwithstanding).

You see, my WordPress site is hosted on my website. I had to “install” it there – login, database, theme and all – and not on the WordPress.com site. So, when I try to login to my account, which is on my own website, it was giving me errors.

It turns out that WordPress sites under my (free) hosting provider is under attack with brute force by bots or witches or whatnot. This explains the number of “new user” notifications I receive daily considering this is a fairly private blog.

To make the long story short, I had to figure out what is going on, download Notepad++, edit the PHP code of the login site, and finally write this blog. And I am sleepy.

But this is great.

Previously, that is just enough. But I am not like that anymore.

I promised myself to commit to a 300-word blog post per week. Nothing fancy, I guess. Just a healthy commitment to write. There are a number of things I love to talk about but don’t and a greater number of things I hate to talk about and hate to face.

And this should stop. Because I want to be a writer.

It took too long to admit, but hey, I gotta start. And this is great.

Anyway, I am glad to be able to write stuff down. Again. And I am itching to delete my previous blog posts. In fact, I might re-do the whole blog thing again. Maybe get my own (paid) website too. I am a bit excited, but thinking of the logistics and whatnot, I make another yawn.

It shall be done in due time.

Maybe I shall tell interesting things with the next blog post, but now, I am just glad Fauxx is back.

Unedited: “The Heart of the Matter”

The Heart of the matter

The basic question is why I am doing this. Fact is that you have loved me truly, madly and deeply for a good almost-5-years-worth of both of our lives and that – is not easy. Although it may or may not seem like it, ending those years and letting you go was not easy for me.

I do not want people to think that breaking up and letting go is a bad thing. It is not.

At the end of the day, I am still a hopeless romantic. I love being in love and I loved that I was, with you. I do not want to jinx my chances in saying that you are the greatest love of my life, but I would say that you are the best I have had so far. As I may have declared previously, I love writing about these things. Frankly, I could not write about anything else.

People may find someone else better, but I believe that each person is the best in their respective moments. And let us leave it at that.

Among the many, here are ten rules that I’ve learned being with her. So, guy, read it and you might get some tips. Don’t get weirded out, you have her already:

1. If she hasn’t told you already, she loves her hair stroked and her ears cleaned. But it is pretty much the first few things you will learn about her. She sleeps easily when you stroke her hair. And you will both love it. If she hasn’t bought you one already, an ear cleaner with the light at the tip costs 20 pesos. It is not as bad (or as gross) as it sounds. She likes to sleep with a blanket.

2. Always clean your place. Or she will. And will nag you in the process.

3. Beware of her admirers. They tend to become many and they tend to be persistent. Keep one step ahead of them and keep them close. But do not worry; she will fight for you and your relationship. Do not worry about her exes. Once she loves you, she will only love you.

4. Cook for her at least once and cook for her once in a while. She also loves to cook, make sure to eat heartily. Be prepared to eat a part of her share in restaurants.

5. Do not be afraid of her Dad or her Mom. They are very good people. She quarrels with her mom and sibling a lot. Do not let this fool you. Despite this, she loves them deeply and she is a good sister and daughter.

6. When you get into a fight, it will almost usually last for only a day and do not let it last longer. Apologize first. Although her sorry is genuine, she is not really that good in saying it so bear with it. Hugging her after is worth it; so make sure to get or give it. It is okay to make it last long.

7. She tends to be impulsive. Try to cope. Save all your pictures as she might delete it one day. Be ready to do things outside your schedule. Expect changes, and expect the unexpected. If you can, surprise her.

8. Stomp cockroaches. Give up trying to make her watch gore and horror films. Take the end of the world seriously, because she does.

9. Deeply she really wants to help other people. Find a way so that both of you could actually do it this time.

10. Have good relations with her friends. It is not easy for her to open herself up to people. The people closest to her right now might not have any idea how lucky they are. In fact, you might have no idea how lucky you are.

Tether

I have so many things going on in my life its hard to keep track of them.

 

That’s a lie.

 

Nothing much has been going on in my life. Except for the lies I can’t really keep track of.

 

And now, there has been so many versions that I don’t know which is which. So, I’ve decided to write things down.

 

I did get some plenty of major hurt from my previous relationship. Correction, still hurting. To cut the story short, I’ve decided to leave the relationship regardless of how we both feel about it. I don’t know if I wanted ties to be cut, I know that I still have feelings for her (although this is more of remnants at this point) but what I want is to just let things play out. I don’t want reconciliation, but I don’t want to close the possibility of reconciliation with her ever. As I’ve said, I’m letting things play out. Although I’m staying away from her as far as possible.

 

It is easy for other people to just forgive this. And I understand that it was a mistake. This time, it was a fatal mistake. You don’ t just recover from that easily. And it’s trust. I’m sad to say that I can’t trust her like I did again. And honestly, I can’t pretend like what happened is a small thing, a small spat or something minor. Even for the sake of our relationship.

 

So, let things play out. Grow apart. “Kung tayo, tayo talaga.”

 

Second, I am confused if I want to play around or I want to jump right in to the next serious relationship. What I do know is that I don’t want a serious relationship just yet. Actually, can you tell yourself to have that? I mean, serious relationships don’t just happen accidentally, but you can’t predict it too, right? I want to commit to someone but I don’t want to commit. Confused?

 

“I want to commit to someone”: me being a love-and-relationship junkie.

“I don’t want to commit”: me still recovering.

 

It gets complicated. I think I am falling in love with someone. Let’s leave it at that. Here is the kicker though: she isn’t. Well not anymore, I think. I am not sure if I burned too many bridges with that. All other complications notwithstanding.

 

Next is me being my self wanting to explore possibilities. Relationships that would have turned out into something. Chances that I did not take. Fixing broken relationships. Getting a healthy body. And all other stuff. Plus, I am enjoying the freedom. But then again, I am not enjoying the loneliness.

 

Spirituality is a total mess.

 

And then there is the migrating to another country thing. And career thing.

 

So, factoring all those in, I can pretty much say that I needed this tether to keep me from bouncing off the walls.

 

I’ve decided to give it some time. I promise to give myself some time, specifically no sooner than August, to not bother with other people coming in to my life. So help me God.

The score

Finally, a reason to write something again. Not quite what I expected nor wanted though. Still, it needs to be done. I’m telling this for you to understand where I am coming from, and probably to understand where she is coming from.

 

Barely a month from my new work, I received a text message from her that we needed to talk. Since I haven’t left my station because I was finishing my shift and expecting to stay more, I was online on messenger. She arrived home an hour before. It was the 29th of February, I remember because I had planned on giving her something to make up for the Valentine’s.

 

It’s a bit fuzzy at this point. I asked her if she was breaking up with me, and she answered on the affirmative. That this is not easy for her. That there are many reasons why she is doing so. There was a guy she was “mingling” with. She needs to “reassess” herself.

 

Earlier this year, we decided to get married. The 2nd day of January, we started with the marriage license application. We jumped over the hoops of the bureaucracy. We had marriage and family planning counselling. At first, we scheduled for the 19th of January. Then the 19th of February, before finally deciding on the 19th of April. The judge needed to interview us and kept on getting moved. She said this was a sign.

 

I gave her the flowers anyway as my make-up efforts for the Valentine’s.

 

At first, I thought that this is one of her break-up shenanigans. Where we would break up for a day and get resolved before the day ends. But at the back of my head, I knew that we were almost married, that there was a guy, and that this is something else, this is real. If she was really having a fit, it would not be easy for me to pretend as if nothing happened like what we do before.

 

Being a boyfriend – nay a fiance – you have instated a threshold  for every slight your partner makes. It wasn’t there. She said she cried. She said she’s sorry. She said it’s what I wanted too. And said sorry some more. I didn’t need to ask her if she was in love with the guy. I didn’t need to ask her if she was out of love with me. But I did, and I did, and I did not believe.

 

I could say that I saw this coming. I could say that for the past few weeks, she’s been distant. As much as she tried to hide it, I did notice. And I was hopeless. I tried to make up for whatever grievances I seem to commit. I could see it wasn’t addressing the bigger hole on our proverbial boat.

 

This is the first time for me.

 

Part of it was my fault, I guess. And yes, she deserved better from me. I should have done something more. And I can understand why she might fall out of love, or why she could fall in love with another guy, and I want people reading this to realize that she is not to be faulted with this. The heart has reasons that Reason cannot know. And she has given me more than enough chances, perhaps too much if it comes to that discussion…

 

But let me say, I could have done what she did but didn’t. Many times I could have fallen in love, could have fallen out of love and I didn’t. I chose her everytime. I chose to hold on. That this really hurts. That I was betrayed. That I also had sacrifices. That I’m not as bad as what she thinks I am. Finally, that I refuse to be a victim.

 

My official stand is that I think this break up is good and even therapeutic for the both of us. And I won’t close any doors too soon. But I won’t come back any time soon either.

 

I Love You, still. But I can’t love you right now.

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Lest we forget

For those of you, nay, us that have been glued to the TV sets these past few days, listening to radio broadcasts, glossing over, skimming and/or reading reports, and pondering in the private confines of our consciousness, about the impeachment trial of Chief Justice Renato Corona; I salute you.

I am guilty for obsessing over this and I do believe some of you are as much impassioned to this – or more in fact – as me.

I am also guilty for being biased if I would choose to tackle its merits, my opinions and all of what I’ve read, seen or heard. But accept this, for purposes of discussion, that you are also guilty of the same. And it would all be fruitless. Come to think of it, it is not my immediate business for whatever happens to Corona or whoever.

But here is what I am guilty of: my belief that GMA should be given a fair trial, and that Corona’s trial is not a prerequisite nor co-requisite to do so; nor deserved to be initiated simply because of his supposed appointment; nor should be given up because of an accusation.

But Corona’s trial should not be stopped nor slowed by any technicality, by any clashing of branches of government and by any legalese impediment and obfuscation.

And most of all, it should be done, lest we forget, for justice and rule of law and not of men. Justice for the accused. And justice for the accuser.

It is disgusting how this exercise in democracy has become a battle of personalities: the President engaged in battle with the Chief Justice, and The Executive and the Legislative engaged in battle with the Judiciary. All desperately trying to exorcise each other of supposed evils within themselves that lurk and threaten the Republic. I am also engaged in battle with opinions contradicting mine. And we have done so in history, for many, many years.

And this is the only thing I learned: this battle of “good” and “evil”, is evil.

Now, we, the sovereign Filipino people, imploring the aid of the three branches of government, in order to build a just and humane society and establish a perfect Government that shall symbolize our ideals and aspirations, promote the common benefit, conserve and develop our patrimony, and secure to ourselves and our posterity the blessings of independence and democracy above and beyond the rule of law and a regime of truth, justice, freedom, love, equality, and peace, do fight among ourselves with this Constitution.

Lest we forget, the Constitution is to keep this country together, not apart.

Let me not be mistaken for an idealist. Quite the contrary, I’m as jaded as any ordinary people that have been witness to the absence of pace of development this country deserves. I am as alienated to the government as any ordinary people who do not understand what in heaven’s name is going on.

For I am quite practical too, and I join the ordinary people when they say this:

Get this over with. Quick. And move on, quick.

Lest we forget, this is not a battle of good and evil. For if we presume to do so, these battles would never end. But it is in fact, a battle for the greater good and against lesser evils. And if we do so, these battles would lessen.

We don’t battle among each other. We battle together.

Lest we forget, fight.

The Prestige (Corona and his impeachment)

“Every great magic trick consists of three acts. The first act is called ‘The Pledge.’ The magician shows you something ordinary, but of course it probably isn’t. The second act is called ‘The Turn’. The magician makes his ordinary something do something extraordinary. Now, if you’re looking for the secret … you won’t find it. That’s why there is a third act, called ‘The Prestige.’ This is the part with the twists and turns, where lives hang in the balance and you see something shocking you’ve never seen before.”  – The Prestige (2006)

 

Alright, it’s pretty simple.

Before I try to explain the clusterfuck that is the impeachment of Corona, and why I believe this is a genius move of Noynoy Aquino or his handlers, I will digress on explaining my opinion of how the way things work. These would be concise and simple. This is the current way I see it, that may or may not change in time and in presentation of evidence. I am open for correction and for debate if my interest permits it.

What I will say is the culmination of researched articles, opinions, news and facts and my own deduction and interpretation of history. And yes, this is speculation.

There is reason to believe that there are forces, beyond the public perception, that is targetting the democracy (and its government) of this country. Both foreign and local interests are vested in its stability and at the same time, foreign and local interests are vested in its demise.

There is reason to believe these forces have become so pervasive in our society that we wouldn’t notice their existence, their motives, their subtle propaganda and their movement. Totally immersed, we would not suspect them of the source of the major problems our society faces.

Highly unlikely

 

There is reason to believe that one side is winning.

 

There is reason to believe that these forces are constantly and are actively at odds with each other, and again, only far from the public perception. They are the main players of the political landscape, and they do so behind the curtains. So, what we actually see on TV or what we think we know about what’s going on is careful calculation, engineering, propaganda and manipulation by these forces. Macchiavelli-style.

Just smoke and mirrors.

The impeachment of Corona is the latest show in the battle of these forces, and I am not talking about being pro or anti Noynoy, or pro or anti GMA. In fact, if you believe so, you are suckered into The Pledge of these great magicians, waiting (or hoping) for The Turn. (Watch Christopher Nolan’s The Prestige for the metaphors)

In any case, you only need to read the:

IMPEACHMENT COMPLAINT: http://www.chanrobles.com/index.php/component/content/article/35/62-impeachment-complaint-against-chief-justice-renato-c-corona-full-text

and the

ANSWER TO THE IMPEACHMENT COMPLAINT: http://www.chanrobles.com/index.php/component/content/article/35/63#.TwUTzEwV4e0.facebook

to figure out that the impeachment complaint is, to be technical about it, pathetic.

 

But, hey.

 

We don’t really want to read the whole text now do we? We’d rather believe “common” logic, which is: GMA is evil and a criminal, Noynoy is good, Corona was appointed by GMA (at midnight supposedly and not literally) therefore making him evil, evil GMA seeks sympathy for her fatal disease, guilty GMA attempts to fly out of the country, corrupt SC headed by Corona issues TRO against WLO, hero De Lima defies order, Comelec files charges against GMA, GMA is detained, Noynoy brands Corona as corrupt, Congress impeaches Corona…

AND THUS

“It is right to impeach Corona, since he is the embodiment of the remnant of evil that is GMA in this country.”

I won’t blame you or the majority for believing that. I won’t brand you as an idiot like some fanatics of the anti-Noynoy camp usually do these days. And if you’ve reached this conclusion with a holy anger against GMA, I won’t hold that against you. In fact, I can affirm the use of passion in matters of National importance. I only appeal to your reason, to suspend your passion, and see all of this objectively. And it’s not an easy thing too. We are being had. The basic tenet of justice is that everyone is presumed innocent unless proven guilty; a concept that few people understand the full meaning of.

And look at everything, it all falls into place. The “Corona-is-GMA’s-lapdog” sounds logical it seems ridiculous to think otherwise. Definitely “makes sense”. It is consistent with the narrative. It is easy to digest. And it is how a great story should be told. It is a great show. And that’s why it’s the problem.

 

A great show always involves some degree of lying.

 

I won’t even try to get lofty with allusions to the destruction of institutions or the separation of powers. Or that these whole she-bang is caused by SC’s decision on Hacienda Luisita. Or Noynoy’s team’s bungling incompetence or what-have-you.

I’ve said that I am betting 100 bucks and 2 cents that this impeachment will push through. They will probably impeach Corona or make him resign or remove him from office one way or another. But by that time, it would all be irrelevant. The battle is won the moment Noynoy insists not acknowledging Corona as Chief Justice. The battle is won when Noynoy was elected by sentiments. The battle is won when the field became “good vs. evil” courtesy of heralds of gods and men.

And one battle in a war.

And the real war rages on. Beyond and behind the politics, the showbiz, the intrigue. It is something else. But do we really want to know who, what, how and why?

 

Every magic trick consists of three parts, or acts. The first part is called the pledge, the magician shows you something ordinary. The second act is called the turn, the magician takes the ordinary something and makes it into something extraordinary. But you wouldn’t clap yet, because making something disappear isn’t enough. You have to bring it BACK. Now you’re looking for the secret. But you won’t find it because of course, you’re not really looking… 

 

… You don’t really want to work it out. You want to be fooled. 

 

Sensible

Here we stand, again, on the precipice of the turning of the year. Here, we look back on the events that transpired, we reflect on the relevancy of our already one-fourths-spent existence, and maybe we look forward into nothing at all but hope. Also, formulate excuses as to why we do not update our blogs often.

 

What is left to talk about, I am not entirely sure myself. I find that much has been said to interest (or disinterest) anyone any longer on any given subject. And how to write about something, I am finding myself unsure as well. It has been so long since I have written something with a relatively sensible spirit. I used to think that when I’ve gone past the spelling and grammar errors, that somehow wisdom improves along with it. But now I find that that is not necessarily the case. All I’ve improved is how to use a few vocabulary, some know-how to string words together, some know-how to say what words in when and where, or how to not say words and use something else instead, and somehow hope that they will birth wisdom by themselves.

 

Of course, this passes as a formidable writing technique to sound scholarly. Maybe impress someone long enough to get someone’s sober attention. Or maybe intimidate, coerce, and humor people… but in the end, one knows how one sounds like static from an empty channel on TV if one isn’t really saying anything at all. And now I feel how obsolete it sounds to use a TV metaphor in this decade to try to get a point across.

 

Ironic that when you can write better to say things, that you find lesser better things to say.

 

Definitely, I’ve gained more reservations now more than when I remembered last writing something of relevance. Back then I can bravely put to words any impulse of thought in a relatively equal speed of my hand; but now it would take me great caution – and responsibility, perhaps – to anything I wish be made public. Now, it leaves a whole lot of time for me to sound poetic and superfluous in words, when I’ve just been telling nonsense. Hell, I definitely lost some spunk and humor for saying “superfluous”.

 

Say better things and think better things.” That is the mantra.

 

Regardless, big changes are coming. And I’m anything but excited to start the year. I would not make a promise but it will definitely help if I could keep up with the jotting-down-stuff-in-a-blog thing regularly. Something sensible, hopefully, and growing in intensity for the next blogs to come.

Tales from Malacanang

All talk, no stick

Advertising men and politicians are dangerous if they are separated. Together they are diabolical.
quote by Phillip Adams